Checking out.

“You’re a little freaked out about everything, huh?”  BF asked me after I almost pulled out in traffic for the second time that day.  I just can’t seem to concentrate on any one thing, now that there are so many things that need my attention.

“Just a bit.”

“It’s okay if you want to check out for a bit, you know.”  

“Okay.”

I’m taking him up on his offer, and at least for now I’m mostly checking out here.  I’ll be posting periodically when something comes up, and then I’ll be back full force when I get my shit together, but I need to clear a little space in my mind.  

Because seriously, you guys, it takes a lot of energy to Secret someone into buying your house.

Friday Stand-up.

Happy Friday! I wish you all were in my office with me right now. The lady who cleans the office has spent the last 10 minutes talking stream of consciousness about Michael Jackson, with such insights as “He won’t be buried like normal people, he’ll probably be in a crystal casket” and “I heard he got his forehead lifted. What’s up with that Michael?” and “People love him over there in London. And in England.” I wish I could record it because that is just the tip of the hilarious iceberg. Hey, you know what goes with all this MJ mania? That’s right some stand-up comedy!

So here it is, the thing to dry those Jackson tears from your Fawcett eyes, Friday Stand-up!

First, here is comedian Mike Birbiglia talking about fishin’ and stuff:

Next, we’ve got Tommy Johnagin pondering the limits of self defense:

Have a great weekend!

Thank you Commonwealth Bank.

Apparently, the problem with my account is so urgent that there was no time for spellcheck (or to tackle that age-old question: there or their?).

They both start with “A”

Yesterday, I noticed an inordinate number of hits to this site and I thought to myself “Self. What is up with that?” And then I forgot about it, and then I mentioned it to BF because if a girl can’t brag to her husband about how many views she has on her slowly fading blog, what can she brag about, am I right ladies? And he was all “yeah, it’s probably because that Senator who they thought was lost and instead he was out hiking the appalachian trail.” I looked, and sure enough, the majority of hits were from people searching “Appalachian Trail.” And then I was all “How do you go hiking for 4 days and not even mention to your wife that you’re leaving? There has to be more to this story.” Then this morning I wake up and holy balls, there was more to the story, the senator was actually in Argentina. And now I feel like if nothing else pans out for me I could be a detective because- boom. I totally called it.

UPDATE: Okay, so it wasn’t a senator, but the Governor of South Carolina (as I’m sure everyone else knew).  Also, he just admitted to having an affair.  How you like them apples?  Detective Punchline at your service.

Friday Stand-up.

Hey there Friday. Two funny, rap-related things happened yesterday. First, on Wednesday night I did the rap at my local comedy club. Since I was there the whole weekend before, doing my standard set, I thought I’d mix it up a bit. And it was great, the rap went over like gangbusters. Then yesterday, I got this message on myspace which was so over-the-top gushy that I’ll only give you a few quotes:

“i cant even begin to find the right words for this message but i’ll try. i’ve been going to [the club] every week, sometimes 2 or 3 times a week for over 2 years. i’ve seen a lot of performances by a lot of comedians there but last night was the most awesome thing i’ve ever witnessed at that club.”

“i laughed so hard i cried uncontrollably. the way you pulled it off by convincing everyone it was your first time and everything, you fucking nailed it buddy! it was like watching an andy kaufman routine all over again. sorry for rambling so much, i just really needed to show my appreciation for your talent. i used to think you were a pretty good comedian, but after last night you’ve become my favorite local act.”

Now, don’t get me wrong, the rap did go pretty well, but let’s be honest, I’m no Andy Kaufman. Nonetheless, it was incredibly flattering that someone was so excited by something I did on stage. But THEN, also yesterday, my buddy who is going to film the music video posted my youtube clip of the rap on his facebook page. And someone wrote this comment:

“[She] was funny for 1–2 min–basically she told 1 joke in a 5 min set–that’s not pro comedy–Andrew Dice Clay was a 1 trick pony-who’s he?-exactly!”

So there you go, proof that comedy is completely subjective. Hey, you know what goes with all this navel-gazing? That’s right, some for real funny stand-up comedy!

So here it is, your one trick pony, Friday Stand-up!

First, here is Caroline Rhea talking about holding the elevator:

Next, we’ve got Robert Hawkins talking about the phrase “nothing to write home about”:

Have a great weekend everyone!

Solicitation.

A friend who knows about such things (and has the equipment to do it) and I are going to film a video for my rap to enter in a local short film festival. You guys have any ideas? Seriously, I’d love to hear what you think would be funny!

A refresher (once again, NSFW):

Thanks!

I’m guessing she has a day job.

Thursday

“So what was your job before you were a comedian?”  I was hanging out at the bar next door with the headliner and his brother, who had come in town to play poker for the weekend.  The headliner and I started laughing when the brother asked me this question.

“What?”  The brother asked.

“She’s makes about $300 a week as an MC, I’m guessing she has a day job.”

Friday

I called BF on my way home Friday night.  He and my in-laws had come to the early show, something that I fretted about all week.

“My parents couldn’t stop talking about the show.  They kept saying that they want to go see more stand-up when they get back to [East Coast State].”

“I guess that means they liked it?”

Saturday

As I waited to go back on stage at the end of the first show, this big, very drunk guy who I’ve never seen before comes up and asks me in a way too loud voice “you guys sellin’ CDs after the show?”

“Umm…the headliner is…” I whispered, one eye on the stage waiting for my cue.

And then, in an even louder voice, “When are you going to put out a CD, Walking Punchline? I’ve seen you a 1,000 times, and you do a CD. I love you, Walking Punchline!”

But before I could say anything, drunk guy had spotted the middle act, Matt, in the hallway and stumbled off to have the same conversation with him.

Later, Matt and I were joking about drunk guy, and he said “What’s funny is that we’re making fun of him, but you know it was the highlight of both of our nights. I texted my wife and told her I had a fan in [My City].”

“Oh hell yeah, I totally called BF.”

Sunday

“So, what did you think about Walking Punchline?” Matt asked the audience after I brought him up on stage. It’s a pretty typical comment, usually people will clap and the comedian will go on with his set.

Tonight, though, a kid who looked no older than 15 (although he had to be at least 18 to get in to the club) sitting right next to the stage yells out “She’s hot!!”

It was just the icing on the cake, if the cake was my week of shows and the icing was an extra helping of awesomeness (I think that metaphor broke down somewhere, but I’m too exhausted to figure out where). What I’m trying to say is that I had an amazing week of shows, worked with two great comedians who were super inclusive and friendly (comedians coming from out of town aren’t always so nice to the MC), and being called hot made it that much sweeter.  Later, on stage, I told that kid that I was going to put him in my pocket and take him home with me so he could tell me I’m hot every morning. Bonus- he and his friends actually waited around to talk to me after the show like groupies.  Score.

Sounds about right.

Me, once again, IMing with a friend about the Secret.  I should really actually read that thing one day.

Me: hey, i heard you killed your [insert name of comedy central show here] audition

Comedian Friend: yea , just waiting to hear back

Me: when would you hear?

CF: they said 3 to 4 weeks

Me: i’m going to make you a vision board. totally secret it up

CF: thank you

Me: you think i’m joking, but i’m not

CF: i read the secret , i know the word

Me: i haven’t actually read it, but i did make a vision board for [BF] to get the fulbright and it worked. so now i’m pretty sure i can control the universe with my mind

CF: well, sounds about right

Friday Stand-up!

Hell yeah Friday!  Two exciting pieces of news for your Friday morning- I had a great Thursday night show, and I’m pumped for the rest of the weekend’s shows even though holy shit my in-laws are going to the show tonight, plus we found out where we are going to be living in Hungary: Eger (yeah, I didn’t know where it was either, but I’m learning about it here and here and here.  Most awesome thing I’ve learned?  It’s a wine region…a 10 minute walk from the city and you’re at 200 wine caves.  AND there is a castle there.  How badass is that?).  Hey, you know what goes with all this awesomeness?  That’s right, some stand-up comedy!

So here it is, the thing to make me stop saying awesome, Friday Stand-up!

First, here is Costaki Economopoulos, a comedian I’m working with this week:

Next, we’ve got Dave Chapelle talking about Sesame Street:

Have a great weekend!

“unknownable” and other words I made up.

I asked BF what he thought of yesterday’s post.  He said he loved it, but had a question.

“What does unknownable mean?”

I opened the site and sure enough, right there in the header in big bold type is the word “unknownable.”  Which, of course, sparked numerous jokes about how BF’s love for me is so unknowable that he has to put an extra “n” in it, “Baby, you’s unknownable.”

I’ve actually been meaning to write about my numerous spelling and grammar mistakes for a while.  It seems each time I publish a post, I immediately catch a missing word or some back hills misspelling.  Which is funny because you know what I spend all day, every day doing?  Writing.  And editing.  That’s what I do for a living.

I’m not sure why that part of my brain shuts off when it comes to writing here.  I guess it’s one of those things that’s just unknownable.